Day 84
There’s a fear, some constant kind of worry.
Where do I begin?
What do I put my finger on,
To understand what’s bothering me.
To start off with – there’s uncertainty.
Towards where do I guide my life’s story?
All along is but a hazy endless path.
Then there’s overthinking about life.
The purpose and plan –
To make it worthwhile.
But nothing ever seems to be right.
Same old question begins to rise,
What’s the goddamn meaning of life?
Into Words 
I find certain words really growing on me like poison ivy, some words I don’t even know by definition and others I just don’t like. Overthinking is one of those words. Overthinking is like a slap in the face for crying. I am, even at this moment, feeling low and wishing I had someone I felt comfortable crying with as an adult, regardless of my need to cry at this moment. I find myself thinking…grown people don’t cry or have shoulders to cry on unless they are a married couple or “girlfriends.” And, who even does that, anymore? Who doesn’t turn to drugs or other questionable behavior, instead of crying? But, crying is just a human reaction and completely natural like the weather; and we shun it too often or don’t deal with it. If I went to a shrink to work through my feelings, that shrink isn’t going to shoulder my tears. I’m just supposed to work through them and get over them. Yet, if I was in a relationship and told my wife to “dry up” or work through her own sadness while I say nothing but maybe take notes and tell her to take a pill…is that a sound relationship?
Getting back on point, overthinking is harsh to your psyche. You’re just “hungry for thought/logic.” When you’re starving for food, you’re not over-starving. You’re just really hungry, possibly because you failed to stop for or find food the past few hours.
I want to hold your hands, give them a good shake and share a few tears. Yes; what is this life really about…or, rather, what of it makes any moral sense. Because that’s what I was raised to believe in and find, moral sense. Not gambling, crime, violence, abuse and sliding things under countless rugs while depriving others of calm, sensible lives. Not turning everything into a sale and putting a dollar value on it. Not making everything about technology which is consequentially depleting some sane aspects of human interaction and health while adapting and altering minds to new ways of doing things.
You–and I–are having a moment of disassociation, possibly experiencing a shift out of phase with this reality, possibly touching on other planes of existence or other possibilities which are contributing to our question(s).
I feel helpless on here because there is such distance between us, not to mention so many yet to be known variables. I could turn around one day and find you married with kids and moving to Canada. And, here I’d still be thinking you were lost in a moment I thought I understood. So, even my attempts at sympathizing seem somewhat futile. But, I read this and I related.
My soul is starving for purpose and value and friendship and happiness that makes sense and doesn’t feel so…commercial. My mind is deluded and potentially deceived by television and movies. Yet, if the reality is so much worse both to the mind’s eye and the soul’s heart, it really makes you wonder why anyone tries to be a good person. And, another yet, I see or hear about good people doing amazing things…or is that all another illusion or some other world out of reach?
I hear some songs I put on my computer, and they make me want to cry and shout with all of my heart. Yet, I cannot feel comfortable singing that way in my present environment. I am not free to be me even in a land supposedly free. I am not content nor among friends. I just know a few nice people who I can occasionally talk to but never feel fully…comfortable or some other word that eludes me. Just not…whole and genuine.
These are the sort of things I’d like to discuss in emails if we were so inclined.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I cannot thank you enough for the time and effort that you put in to reply to me. We both seem to be going through the same thoughts. When I wrote that down, I was in a helpless state of mind. I’m cannot tell you how glad I was to know that you could relate so deeply with it to share your life, your experiences and your thoughts with me. Normally people listen and say, there there, everything is going to get better or might just brush it off saying this is life. But I feel touched to know that someone so far away is going through life the way I am. And here stupid me, doesn’t even know your name.. I am very interested in having conversations with you over email. I even tried sending you a message from your website’s contact me link, I’m not sure if you got the message. If you haven’t received it, then can you please share your email address with me?
LikeLike
I have a feeling we are in similar but different shoes. That’s how I find people, as a sort of finder of lost souls.
Too often I feel helpless. And, when I responded, I was having a particularly low day and in need of comforting, too. There is some strange energy in the atmosphere that is spreading panic and depression, and it is hitting other members of my family like an allergy attack.
Saying everything is going to be okay is about as good as a bandage. And, the bandages often need to be changed, replaced, restored. It’s nice to hear for a while. But, it doesn’t convey any real understanding, just a touch of comfort and warmth, that is, if the person saying it even really cares or is just trying to douse the emotional fire.
If I was sitting with you, I might listen and say some version of “There, there,” but I’d likely also spill other thoughts and feelings back to/at you. I have been a good listener for many years, a natural therapist, but in recent years of babysitting, I’ve lost some of my capacity, sadly, unless it’s just the atmosphere of rambunctious kids spoiling my focus.
I hope I never say, “This is just life.” And, leave it at that? That sounds tragic. But, I can see myself saying it in my low moments.
Yea, that Contact page form…I dunno what is wrong with this place. I finally got in touch with some people supposedly running the site, but every time I responded, someone new was replying, expecting me to change service plans or update this and that… As if I could be sure that was the problem. Anyway, that’s why I posted an email address on the page, to save the hassle though I was hoping to enjoy some website security.
I did get an email notice but no message. Just an address/link.
LikeLike