Sometimes, Just Drift Along

Jane handed me a piece of paper and said, “These just came in! I printed them out for you, can you please fetch these from the shelves?”

“Sure!” I replied and went hunting for The Four Winds, The Last Thing He Told Me, and The Paper Palace from the new books section.

When you are working at the library, you need to be quick and always on your feet. Working at a library has been a childhood dream for me, a dream job! Imagine being surrounded by books all the time, can a job get better than this? I was overwhelmed with joy when they told me I was selected for the position of Circulation Assistant/Shelver. It’s been three weeks now and it’s also the last day of my training. Most importantly it’s payday and I am eagerly waiting to be paid. After all, money isn’t insignificant.

This isn’t my first job, it’s not even my second. If my memory serves me correctly I think it’s my seventh. I know what you’re thinking — how old is she anyway? Well, I turn thirty-four this year. In my thirty-four years, I’ve found that most people define themselves primarily by their jobs. I envy them because I’m not sure I can ever find the best role that can define me. You see, I have always been confused when it comes to making decisions in life. Is there such a thing as a single role?

As a kid, I was always asked, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

I would say, “Um, I would still want to be myself?”

Children don’t really think about the far future, all they care about is playing and eating chocolates.

Yet, they would put me on the spot and ask, “No dear! What work will you do? Do you want to be a doctor or an engineer?”

Alright then, I have to make a choice. So, let’s get this over with. I would shout, “Doctor!”

The joy on their faces, I tell you! As a child, I always wondered why adults were so fascinated with work. Now, who likes to work? When my mother told me to do some work, I would run the other way.

Then, you grow up and realize that to survive in this world you need to work.

“It’s simple, just get a job and all the problems in your life will magically disappear.”, they said.

I can’t help but agree with them even though I dislike the whole idea of working.

After graduation, I got selected in a multinational company and got a job pretty easily. My parents were proud, friends were overjoyed, and classmates were envious. I worked there for two months and quit. Everybody was shocked. My friends were bewildered by my decision. They were fuming with rage. My dad was so disappointed in me that he did not speak to me for a week.

They said, “What’s wrong with you? Do you know how lucky you were? We are struggling to find a job and you just throw it away?”

I was scared and upset, I questioned my decision and wondered if I had made a dire mistake. I got influenced by the people around me and quickly started looking for other jobs. I needed money so I worked in a call center for a few months. I knew this was temporary so I posted my resume on many job portals. Soon, I got a call from another big company for the position of a data analyst. I took it up because the late-night shifts in the call center were affecting my health.

I did the data analyzing job for six months, but I just wasn’t happy. There was not much to complain about, the pay was good and I was treated with respect. My colleagues were friendly and helpful. But deep inside, I knew that this is not what I wanted to do in my life.

I started worrying, “How do I make this work? What was the point of all the education when I cannot work? Why does work have to feel so meaningless and even insulting?”

I couldn’t understand how people managed to work their entire life. Is this what work means, dreading every single day? I was in shambles, I had to find something that not only helped me survive but also kept me sane. I had saved some money so I took time off to understand what I really wanted to do with my life.

I researched and decided to study English Literature.

Why? I guess because I like reading books?

Well, I had to begin somewhere so I enrolled myself in a college and thankfully I liked studying. It made me feel alive again.

Immediately after my course, I got a job as a fashion writer. Guess what? It felt like I finally found a job that was fulfilling. I wasn’t getting paid enough but I liked every second of the job. I guess because it didn’t feel like I was working? At the end of the day, I would be happy looking at my articles posted on the company website. Six years flew by working as a content writer for different companies. I liked writing so much that I even started blogging. Writing to me was therapeutic and it helped to calm my noisy mind.

You know, it doesn’t end here. People still ask me, “You’ve been writing for six years? You should be a manager by now, what about career growth?”

So I had to tell myself repeatedly — no, no! I’m not falling into this trap all over again. It’s easy to get influenced by peers, but I knew if I participated in the rat race I would end up quitting again.

Once I found the career path that worked for me, I started exploring other opportunities of my interest. I stopped working as a full-time content writer and started doing multiple other jobs. Like I said earlier, I’m a confused person and I’m still confused. I still make wrong decisions, but I don’t mind trying new things until I find out what works for me. Now, I do three jobs in a day. I’m a volunteer who teaches underprivileged kids in the morning, I work at a library in the afternoon, and do freelance writing at night. I also work as a baker on the weekend but that’s just for myself.

I am not being boastful. Well, maybe a little but that’s not the point. It doesn’t matter what job you do as long as it makes you happy and adds meaning to your life. As I ponder on my entire life while shelving, which I often tend to do, I climb down the ladder holding the last book from the list called The Multi-Hyphen Life. Right, how apt!

As crazy as it may sound,
An old maid passed the streets,
At three in the morning,
Carrying a flask of tea,
& hot golden samosas,
For the tired, lonely, and invisible souls.

Where you at?

I cannot sleep,
Is it my troubled mind, that is keeping me awake all night?
Or is it the moonlight from my window?
I try long and hard –
To go back to a peaceful world of dreams,
Where the night is dark and the sleep is deep.
But lately I’ve been up all night!
Tossing and turning,
Taking deep breaths,
Reading books,
Listening to meditative music to put me back to sleep…
Why isn’t anything helping?
What is it that I’ve been thinking?
Am I anxious or just excited?
What am I waiting for,
Or rather who am I waiting for?
No, stop it!
Stop thinking.
I need my sleep.
Let’s try going back to sleep.
Night night!

Through My Window

A cloudy evening, light drizzle. At a distance, a man in a green rain jacket is out for a walk with his dog. Patiently, he follows and watches his enthusiastic dog sniff the ground, play in the wetness of the green grass, and run around.

The view outside my window is beautiful, spectacular. I’m thankful to cameras that I can capture this moment in a photograph. Which I am sure I will not find interesting when I randomly find it after a few days.

Things are beautiful when they happen in that moment. Isn’t it? Like right now the fairy lights by my window are on, I’m with my book and a pen looking outside and trying my best to capture this precious scene in words and photos.

Happiness is not in big achievements but in easily and abundantly available joyous moments that are special just for you.

Summer Sunday

On a bright sunny afternoon,
What would you like to do when you’re by yourself?
Lather on some SPF and take a walk down the street?
Go to a cafe and sit outside with an iced lemonade?
Chill on your patio with a book and wave to neighbors passing-by?
Put on your head gear and go cycling?
Take your kids to the park and buy them ice cream?
Plan a lunch outing with friends and spend the entire afternoon catching up on silly stories?
Go shopping for floral summer dresses?
If you’re by the beach, then nothing can be better than chilling at some shack with a cold Long Island Tea watching the calming ocean waves and enjoying the ocean breeze!
Or would you pull the curtains down and enjoy a movie on Netflix with a pizza on your side?
Whatever you wish to do, have fun and have a great weekend!
Happy Sunday, happy summer days!

PS: I’m loving this weather, I like walking and listening to music while admiring the blue skies and green pastures. 🙂
I was listening to this song while walking today, hope you’ll enjoy it too.

Tomorrow Will Be Better

Somebody told me –
If you are going through a difficult phase in your life,
Remember that you’re not alone.
Nobody has it easy.
Some days can feel like a burden
Like there’s no way out.
Sadness, tears, anger, frustration.
Like life is unfair for no reason at all.

Then she told me to give it time.
It’s also about giving things time,
To run their course.
For them to pass.
So you can heal.
Everything eventually gets better.
It always does and you know that it’s true.

This isn’t the first time,
You were expected to face a challenging circumstance.
This isn’t the first time you had to brave.
You have done this before,
Then why the uncertainty now.
Like all the other times, this will pass too.
Wait for the morning
For the sun to shine with new rays of hope.
And just like that,
Your day will seem a whole lot better than yesterday.
She said with a smile.

Photo by Aaron Burden on Pexels.com

Random but Genuine

In my childhood, there were no telephones, let alone mobile phones. My parents protected me with love, they did my share of talking for me, because I was a little slow when it came to expressing myself. But they never gave me a chance to speak for myself and soon I relied on them to do my share of talking. I did not have too many friends in school. My only childhood companions were my brother and cousin brother with whom I would play, laugh, and fight. They cared for me, entertained me and loved me. I would go cycling in the nieghbourhood and play in parks with dad.

Days were spent listening to radio. No television, no laptops – these were luxury. BUT I am glad I grew up like this, it felt more real like I was a part of the community. Never alone. Now, we are always seeking for constant entertainment from our phones, laptops, TVs and tablets. More than friends, we have expensive phones in our hands that fulfill our social needs but with no real friends during times of need. I am not really sure if this is good or bad because I seem to be caught up in it too. I often ponder on these matters and most of the time it’s in the middle of the night. It’s a wrap, good night world.