A door you refused to open

I dream a dream on repeat
In it, is a door..

A tall, imposing old door
Ornate two-panels
A gold knob on the dark wood
Shaped like the face of a dragon
The more I looked
the more it grew
Intimidating, alive.
I refuse to open,
Who or what awaits on the other side?

I dream a dream..
Of a traditional carved door
Intricate motifs on its arched frame
A faint scent of white pine
Lingered in the air.
I reach out to touch,
but step back
It is not my door,
am I allowed to touch?

I dream a dream..
It is a dark mahogany door,
polished wood:
Glossy and fine
It stretched toward the sky.
I stand before it,
Tilting my head in awe.
But am I allowed
to stand here and stare?

I dream a dream..
Of a red door
with a big black lock
I lose myself
In its structured pattern.
To find such careful carving
Feels like an anomaly.
I stand again before it
I do not try to open it.

I dream a dream..
Of yet another door
Broken, laced with spider webs,
No door knob,
Moss creeping upward
Slowly eating the wood.
Afraid it might crumble at my touch,
I turn away.

I dream a dream..
Of multiple doors
each one closed
Afraid of choosing wrong,
Afraid of being lost,
I run,
I hide,
I cry.

I dream a dream..
Of a giant single black door
It towered over me
I walked towards it,
an ant in comparison
I remembered my Dada told me:
You’ll never know if you never try
I step forward,
But courage runs dry
and I turn behind.

I dream a dream..
Of a familiar door
A door from the past
Its surface remembers my touch
It was opened before
Something had escaped
Something I never named
I look away,
I cannot breathe
and wake with a start.

I dream a dream..
Of the same familiar door from the past
The handle awaits
I walk toward it,
Slowly,
My hand trembles
But this time,
I open it.

Blue sky
Green grass
A silent breeze
I breathe deep
And rise with a smile.

By Her Side

I am not a dragon,
I do not have a horde.
I am trapped inside this empty dark cave
With no shiny heaps of gold.

I wander aimlessly in the darkness with no real goal.
I wonder what’s in my destiny,
Is there a purpose for this existence?
I curl up in a corner and sleep like every other day.
But, who’s here today?
A little boy has walked into the cave.

He stands in front of me fearlessly and smiles.
I snarl, smoke rises from my nostrils.
He steps forward cautiously, his hand reaching towards me.
I curl deeper into the cave.
He waits patiently, his soul emitting an aura of kindness.
I rise up and breathe fire.
The boy as small as a shrimp near my feet,
Watched me in awe with no fear.
The cave was no ordinary one,
The fire melted the layer of soot away and revealed walls of gold.
The cave shone like the sun in the darkness of the night,
With a mighty dragon queen and a little boy as a guiding star by her side. 

I Must Not Fear

“I must not fear.

Fear is the mind-killer.

Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration.

I will face my fear.

I will permit it to pass over me and through me.

And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.

Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.

Only I will remain.”

– Frank Herbert, Dune.

Forever Confused

Day 84

There’s a fear, some constant kind of worry.

Where do I begin?

What do I put my finger on,

To understand what’s bothering me.

To start off with – there’s uncertainty.

Towards where do I guide my life’s story?

All along is but a hazy endless path.

Then there’s overthinking about life.

The purpose and plan –

To make it worthwhile.

But nothing ever seems to be right.

Same old question begins to rise,

What’s the goddamn meaning of life?

Why Do I Fear

Day 69

Fear, dear lord the fear!

Overtaking my senses.

Consuming my saneness.

How do I overcome it?

How do I remain calm?

Teach me to stop stressing,

And quit overthinking.

With deep breaths of air,

I try exhaling out my dark fears

What is the cause of this weakness?

When I have been brave before.

Guess only I can save myself,

From these unreasonable

Bouts of fear.

To the Darkness

Day 43

A dark labyrinth,

Like a shadow I walk.

Looking around.

Searching for something,

A way out probably.

I spend hours and days,

Struggling. Somehow surviving.

Days go by,

And then a ray of light.

I pound towards it,

I feel ecstatic,

A cry of joy,

The relentless efforts have paid off.

I step out only to realise, something is amiss

Dreams of dark alleys,

Maybe I belonged to the darkness

The struggles, the pain, the uncertainty.

And so I return,

Into the labyrinth.